Building Through Battles

Since the recent accident I was involved in on July 6, I've been dealing with the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced for the longest amount of time without a real window of peace or relief. I might get a few hours here and there, if that. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to be stuck like this.

I've tried everything I can think of. Physical therapy. Chiropractic. Stretching. Yoga. Massage, including Thai massage, which has actually helped. Steroids, non-steroidal anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers and pain relievers.

I don't like taking medication, but here I am trying whatever I can to get back to normal—or just feel decent again.

The pain isn't isolated to one spot. It's my neck and back. The occiput. Cervical. Thoracic. Lumbar. Sacrum. Ribs. Misalignments. Herniation. Tight muscles. Tendons. Ligaments. Inflammation.

It's a lot.

Even the people treating me can only do so much. I see several chiropractors, and one in particular is really awesome. I can tell he's concerned and empathetic about what I'm going through. It feels like he genuinely wishes he could do more.

I appreciate him, and I appreciate the doctors and others who have helped me throughout my life, especially in recent years.

All I can do is keep trying.

Meanwhile, life hasn't cleared my schedule so I can concentrate on getting better.

I'm trying to stay on top of bills while not working, keep a roof over my head and my father's head, and keep everything in working order while it feels like the whole house is collapsing around me.

Today, one of my employers let me go.

I wasn't expecting that. I had planned on returning once I recovered, so getting that email wasn't good for my spirit. I'm already exhausted and barely getting good sleep because I'm in pain so much of the time.

Another one of my employers was also going to let me go, but I gave a little pushback and explained my situation. Thankfully, they decided to keep me on board while I recover.

So at least I know I have a job waiting for me once I'm physically able to return and once I can get this whole vehicle situation resolved.

I also still have a little side hustle that I do PRN—as needed. It's not something I can count on for regular work, but it's still there.

So I'm not completely starting over when it comes to employment.

But everything still comes back to the same two problems: I need to heal, and I need dependable transportation.

Sometimes it feels like I'm running on actual autopilot. Almost robotic. I'm in pain, but I'm still accomplishing things while I'm in pain.

Even trying to have a personal life is difficult. I had a little mini-vacation this past weekend, and even then I was struggling with pain while trying to enjoy myself.

It's hard trying to be normal for the people around you when you're in hell.

On top of everything else, I'm still dealing with my grieving. That didn't disappear because all these other problems showed up. It's still something I'm carrying.

I also missed the opening of a buddy's new establishment. I created some graphics for his advertising and wanted to actually show up and support him, but he lives in another city. Between my health and the vehicle situation, it just wasn't good timing.

And the vehicle situation is another battle.

The car I normally used left my father and me stranded on the side of the road. By another miracle, we got it running and made it home, where it remains parked.

Then, days later, came the accident.

Some teenagers recklessly driving a truck at high speed hit my vehicle on the driver's side. I took the full impact before their truck was projected into the air and hit a pole.

It was awful.

And they were laughing.

It sucks knowing people can do something that completely disrupts your life and then walk around laughing while you're left dealing with everything afterward.

Now attorneys and insurance companies are involved. I got a call from my attorney's office, and dealing with the insurance companies sounds like it's going to be another battle because they don't want to pay out.

So in a lot of ways, I'm basically starting from ground zero.

I have to get healthy enough to work. I have to get the transportation situation resolved. My father and I are sharing the only working vehicle in the household, and even that vehicle is rough and honestly kind of scary to drive. I have to keep it going while figuring out how I'm eventually going to buy another vehicle.

And through all of this, the bills don't stop.

Neither does the house.

Things are in disarray because I'm physically limited. My bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, office—everywhere. I see everything that needs to be done, but I can't just fix it all while dealing with debilitating pain.

I've had no one else to help me through this whole thing.

Yet somehow, I'm still maintaining things.

I'm even maintaining this little Siamese kitten I've taken in.

Yin-Yang is about four months old and an actual scaredy-cat. He's scared of other animals, humans, being outside, even being on the ground outside his cage. I don't know whether he has some psychological issue or disorder. I just know he's frightened of everything.

Before I took him in, he was running into the street, lying in the middle of the road and crying. For a while, I had what seemed like a suicidal Siamese kitten.

So I took him in my arms, started showing him love and gave him a safe place.

Now he's spoiled.

He likes being confined. He likes small, comfortable spaces. I let him out to see how he'd do outside, and he freaked out—running everywhere and crying in fear. I put him back in his cage, and there he was, comfortable and happy again.

If that's where he feels safe, that's fine. I like knowing he's safe too.

He also poops everywhere.

I cleaned his cage today, and it was disgusting. He's only about four months old, so maybe he hasn't gotten the hang of it yet, but I'm thinking, Dude, cats have a natural instinct to do this in the litter box. What's wrong with you?

Still, I'm taking care of him.

And then there's Monkey.

I love Monkey. He needs me, and I need to be there for him. I want to spend more time with him, and I haven't been able to do that the way I want to lately. Hell, I haven't even been able to keep up with cleaning the house.

I love Yin-Yang now too, of course, and I want to make sure the little guy is taken care of. But realistically, I think I need to find him a good home so I can put more of my time and attention back toward Monkey.

Even that takes money.

I need to get Yin-Yang his shots and get him up to date on everything so that hopefully I can find someone willing to adopt him and give him a good home.

It's another responsibility on top of everything else, and right now everything just feels overwhelming.

Tonight, thankfully, I got my pain down significantly.

Earlier I received a Toradol injection at the clinic, saw my chiropractor, had a very short massage that wasn't helpful, stretched and did some very light yoga.

Then I tried something I'd been thinking about: sitting in front of my window AC and letting the cold air hit my back almost like an ice pack, hoping it would calm some of the inflammation.

Sure enough, it helped.

I'm sure it was probably the combination of everything, but the pain came down enough for me to sit here and write this entry.

And that's where the title comes from.

Building Through Battles.

Because somehow, that's what I've been doing.

I'm working toward my yoga teacher certification and my Modern Journalism certification through NYU. I have other ideas and goals I want to tackle too.

They're still in focus.

Maybe blurry right now—but they're there.

First Completed Screenplay | 10 Hours

I just finished my first screenplay.

I've written and started several screenplays throughout my life, but I had never actually completed one—until yesterday.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw the trailer for I Play Rocky, about Sylvester Stallone's journey writing Rocky and fighting for the chance to play Rocky himself. There was a moment about Stallone wanting to become an actor and being encouraged to write something he could actually star in. The story of him writing Rocky so quickly stuck with me, and it planted a thought in my head: I wonder if I could challenge myself to write a screenplay that way.

I didn't have the story yet.

Then, the day before yesterday, I came across a news article about miners in La Rinconada, Peru, who had reportedly been held captive by a criminal group known as Los Primos. I started researching La Rinconada—the gold mines, the conditions, the people and the criminal underworld surrounding the area—and I got completely sucked into that world.

That was the spark.

I started writing.

I didn't spend weeks outlining it or trying to figure everything out beforehand. I just let my imagination take over. I could see the locations. I felt like I was standing inside every scene. The dialogue came naturally, the characters started becoming real to me, and one scene kept leading into the next.

So I kept going.

And I was in pain the entire time.

My neck was killing me. It was burning. I couldn't find a position that made it comfortable, and it was hard to keep my neck in any particular position. But I focused on the story, the characters, the scenes, the research and making sure everything was tight. Focusing on the screenplay helped distract my brain from the pain. The pain was still there. I just had something else to focus on.

Roughly 10 hours of actual writing time, all within 24 hours, I had done something I'd never managed to do before:

I finished a screenplay.

Now comes getting it copyrighted and starting to pitch it. I already have several places in mind, and we'll see where this thing goes.

I didn't write it to compete. I really just wanted to challenge myself. Then I found a world and a story that grabbed hold of my imagination, and once I entered it, I couldn't stop writing.

Turns out, it didn't let go until I wrote “FADE OUT.”

The screenplay isn't the only artistic work waiting for me.

I want to complete my Bulgarian pop-folk music catalog. I have my other music projects that I want to finish. I also have a new song I wrote for Los Official, my Latin pop project.

Those projects haven't gone anywhere. They're waiting for me.

But music costs money. Recording costs money. Completing projects costs money.

So I need money.

Which means I need to work.

Which means I need to get healthy enough to work.

And once again, everything circles right back to the same place:

I need to heal.

I need to get myself healthy again. I need to get myself as close to optimal as I can because so many of the other things I'm trying to build depend on it.

Even my plans for school may have to change.

I wanted to start school in January. Because of the accident and everything it has set in motion, I don't know if that's going to happen anymore. I may have to postpone it for a little while.

Ultimately, I'm going to need to spend about four months in San Antonio for school anyway, so lately I've been thinking that maybe I need to get myself situated there sooner.

Not permanently.

Temporarily.

Where I live now, being without dependable transportation makes everything more difficult. I'm in a rural area. Public transportation isn't readily available to me, and employment opportunities are limited.

San Antonio gives me options I don't have here.

Public transportation.

More potential jobs.

More ways to function without having to depend completely on a car.

I don't mind going back to San Antonio to work. I may actually need to. I just have to figure out the logistics.

Where am I going to stay? How am I going to get there? What am I going to do for work? When do I make the move? How does everything back home get handled?

Who, what, when, where, why and how.

All that good stuff.

That's what my brain is trying to solve while my body is trying to heal.

I've also had people reach out who reminded me of another part of my life I've been missing.

Last week, my friend Mr. Mack called. I explained everything that's happened since we last saw each other and told him about the accident.

We prayed together.

He said he wants to come visit me this week. He's also been dealing with an injury, so I told him about the Thai massage place I've been going to in case it might help him too.

Then I got a text from my friend Pastor Hunter at Grace Point Church in Portland. He was just checking in on me.

I haven't been to church in forever.

For a while, I was working on service days. Then the accident happened. Now that I'm free to go, I don't have a dependable vehicle, and physically I'm not in good health to do much anyway.

I miss the congregation.

I miss my brothers and sisters at Grace Point. And the new ones I made visiting Agape when I had the chance to.

And right now, I need plenty of prayer.

Because one of the most important things I'm trying to build is my faith and my relationship with God.

With all this pain, misery and suffering—physically, mentally, emotionally and financially—it can be easy to blame God, throw my hands up, get pissed off, or fall into a very dark place and want to give up.

But then I remember:

God doesn't cause our problems.

James 1:13.

And He cares about what we experience and will rescue us from our distresses.

Psalm 34:17–19.

I don't know exactly how I'm keeping everything together.

Sometimes I don't even believe what I've managed to accomplish or maintain. It feels like I'm running on autopilot, doing what has to be done while my body is screaming at me.

But I'm still trying to recover.

Still taking care of my father and our home.

Still taking care of Monkey.

Still taking care of Yin-Yang while trying to find him a good home.

Still dealing with my grieving.

Still maintaining relationships and friendships.

Still figuring out transportation.

Still figuring out work and finances.

At least I know one of my jobs is still there waiting for me when I'm able to return, and I still have the PRN work when it's available.

Still trying to figure out whether San Antonio needs to be my next move.

Still working toward my certifications.

Still planning for school, even if the timeline has to change.

I wrote a screenplay.

I still have music to make.

I still have stories to tell.

I'm still setting goals.

Still trying.

And still building my relationship with God.

I guess that's how I'm building through these battles.

Faith.